It did hurt...
"If you, think I, have not been missing the way, she breathes. You are mistaken, my friend in falling down."-YC
I don't even know what to say about my breakup with her. We grew apart, she resented certain aspects of my life while I resented certain aspects of hers. Things just weren't working out anymore. Things go deeper than that, but I'd probably rather leave it at that. I think of her a lot more than id like to admit. I hope that she is doing well. When I say "I love you", I don't mean "... Until things go sour." love to me is a forever thing. You don't just STOP loving someone. Honestly, I wish her well in all that she does. I hope that she finds a guy that will treat her well and take care of her. A man that will be able to provide for her and help her to start the family she's always wanted. I feel bad as though I may have wasted some of her time, but honestly I had wanted things to work. I know that she probably will never forgive me, but I wish that one day she would be able to at least talk to me casually. If for only once a year or even 2. 
She says I didn't care because it didnt ruin my life instantly(the breakup). She says because she couldnt eat for nearly a week, that I must not have cared about the relationship or her. Which just outright isn't true. Everyone deals with things differently. I had many inner demons that I still struggle with over the whole situation. Just because she didn't see the tears, didn't mean they didnt happen. Just because she thinks i hate her, doesn't mean I do.
I still maintain that it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Loving someone and then telling them that you can't be in a relationship with them. Things just don't work "relationship wise" sometimes. And coming to that realization is painful, each of the (two, now) times that I've experienced it.
Whether or not she wants to admit it, she has things she needs to work through (emotionally) before she can submit herself to another relationship. But I think the spite and anger that she feels towards me is blinding her as to seeing how things link together. Still though, I wish her the best. I really do want her to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for her. And now I know that it won't be with me, but I still wish her to find happiness and wholeness with another person.

"We're almost 23 and you're still mad at me. You tell the world in dead to you, but I know you want me back."-YC

" 'I don't love you anymore.' that's all, I remember you telling me. Never have I felt, so cold. Well I've no more blood to bleed, 'cause my heart, has been draining into the sea. Oh, oh, oh." -RiseAgainst

weird dream >__
Hanging out with Beth V. At my house. I leave my room and she asks why the pastel and tiger rat are together? I freak out and pull the pastel only to realize there are 6 small eggs in the incubator. Thinking they are the tiger rats, I begin pulling them out onto the floor. I notice that 2 of the eggs are wide open and empty, as though the baby had already cut it's way out. As I further inspect the other eggs, they all have small slits in them. Beth is sitting on the steps of my bed. I start to open each egg to find fully formed and alive baby ball pythons. A pastel, killer Bee and a spider. Which baffled me. Since she hasn't been bred since the bee left. I put the eggs/babies in a binder (?) and we head to my dining room.
Then we end up at a large scale library which reminded me of the one at UMASS Dartmouth. But this library was in an urban area. She began feverishly typing, hacking into some network... I went on the computer next to her and began playing games >__<. she said we had to leave abruptly, so we walked out the front door, with out computers still logged in. As soon as she touched the front door and went into the lobby of the larger building the library was located in, we quickly went back to the computers. Some meat-heads had jumped on mine and brought up some sports website. But they quickly retreated when they saw us returning. Beth began hacking whatever network she was doing, when I heard a fight breaking out. About 15' from us, there was a decent size group of people (15-30) sitting in a large circle in the main floor of the library. A man wearing baggy shorts was now standing yelling at one of the other students. The one with the baggy shorts was holding a camcorder and was wearing an over sized T shirt and a flat brim hat. As he was getting more angry and more and more in the other guys face, the other guy stood up and started yelling back. He then scooped the flat brim hat right off his aggressors head. The crowd ooooooooooooo'ed. The librarian RAN out the door, I'm assuming to go get security. The guy in the shorts tossed the camcorder at the other person and they attempted to catch it with the newly acquired hat. Which wasn't extremely successful. After watching that whole fiasco unfold, I look back and Beth is no longer there...? So I log out of my computer and head to the hotel across the street.
This is where things get strange... I walk past the lobby and directly to the function room areas, where I quickly discover there's a fetish convention in town. X__x I should have left right then, but being me, I decided to explore. I pass a door labeled "S&M"... A door labeled "spanking, etc"... A door labeled "latex"... And I walk around the corner and see a door labeled "strap sandals/feet"... I peek in, and I remember seeing a few older women, then some guys around my age. So I walk in. 1/2 the room is setup like a circle of chairs and the other half if in rows. At the opposite corner of the room, in front of the rows, there is a woman standing there in full "fetish attire" who directs me to walk over to see her before moving on to the rest of the room. Now, I don't remember at what point I get naked, but by the time I was standing in front of her, i was. She starts asking me general "icebreaker" questions... What's your name? Where are you from? How old? And all I'm thinking is "IM NAKED, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?" she tossed me a sombrero(?) which I quickly used to cover myself up. It then dawns on me to look around and checkout who else is there, if I'd know anyone. And WHAT DO YA KNOW, kims roommate (Amanda) one of her sweet mates(Jen) from college are there, in the very last row on that side of the room. I turn quickly to the front of the room again. MAJORLY embarrassed, I thought, maybe I'm seeing things and it's just someone who looks similar?? So I slowly turn around again, and no such luck, the 3 of them are looking at me in shock, horror, disgust. Cue me feeling INCREDIBLY embarrassed, ashamed, disturbed. Amanda and her friend immediately stood up, on confirmation that it was actually me standing there and stormed out of the room. Her friend added, " I CAN'T BELIEVE I saw his ass" x_x. Jen left shortly after they did. I didn't really stay. as soon as they let me sit down, I started looking for a jacket. I grabbed one out of the coat closet as well as a hat and some pants and left with my head hung low. Trying to make a quiet exit.
I ended up in the basement of the hotel. Where their conference rooms are. An exit sign about the largest one attracted me to it. I walked into all hell breaking loose! A man was in a fist fight with a large Russian woman. I *wanted* to walk away, but I couldn't. The guy was getting thoroughly beaten. They were trying to stand on the desk at the head of the room and push aside the ceiling tiles. By the time they had gotten one moved to the side, I was standing right next to them. An old looking coin fell from the space as well as some newer coins. I picked up the old one and slyly put it in my pocket. The other 2 people were scrambling trying find more... In the ensuring madness I ended up with a small stack of rare coins. I helped the man escape the room, by holding a piano from being pushed infront of the escape door to the outside. He ran one way, I ran the other and was met by my dad... Who saw the coins and said I needed to immediately invest them in long term stocks and bonds. As I got into his truck to head home... I woke up... X____x

(no subject)
It's scares me... That the thought doesn't bother me anymore...

Writer's Block: Looney times
What was your favorite childhood cartoon, and why?

I'm gonna have to segment this one... I had several favorites!

Aahhh! Real Monsters was probably my ALL TIME favorite.
Hey Arnold!
The Magic School bus!
Angry Beavers
Ed, Edd 'n Eddy!
The Wild Thornberry's

Writer's Block: Truth or dare
What is the craziest dare you have ever taken?

Probably while I was in Florida with Tyler, Dyland an Yvonne.
We all did some crazy stuff.. I distinctly remember having to wear one of yvonne's outfits... bra and all xD

The gorey details...
So last night I had a dream that I accidentally killed two people. I have no idea what this dream means. But I'm open to opinions. If you are squeamish, I suggest you don't read.

Well, one person was accidental. The weird part was that, I was the second person I killed. It wasn't me killing myself, it was me (I'm guessing as someone else) killing me. What it means, I'm not sure. I'll start from the beginning, or what I can remember as the beginning.
I was with this person. I wanna say that we were hanging out together. There was an incident. I dont remember what kind of an incident and they ended up dead. I distinctly remember feeling a strong sense of panic. Thinking to myself "what the hell did I just do? How can I fix this? This is going to RUIN my plans, my LIFE." I remember thinking that I've really ruined things this time. I remember dragging the person into the adjacent room by picking them up under there arms and dragging them. I covered them with a blanket and quickly left. Walking swiftly down the stairs. I was trying to avoid anyone I know. But They were everywhere. I couldn't escape people. I needed to find seclusion and just when I thought I had, in my room, I was there.

Again there was a physical struggle. Grappling with myself, I almost lost my balance when the other me tried to push me away. I came swiftly towards the other me and pushed as hard as I could. In that instant, I WAS the other me. I could feel myself falling backwards in slow motion. I was aware of EVERYTHING around me. The sites, the smells, the lights became extra bright as if to highlight the climax of the moment. I remember wanting, NEEDING to take a breath. But because I was falling, I couldn't. And I was no longer that person the MOMENT that my head hit the corner of the object. I can't remember if it was a table or desk(as it was behind me at the moment). The last part I remember of being in the falling body was that time was moving so slow I could feel the hair on the back of my head grazing the object before I actually hit it. But then I wasn't that me anymore, I was the pusher. Another moment of panic. Thinking that I've gone off the rails. That I've totally lost touch with the person that I thought that I was. That maybe the previous event wasn't by accident. Maybe I was truly as bad of a person as to take someones life. I walked to the table/desk and ran my index and middle finger through the blood as a drop fell from my index finger to the floor. The droplet resounded throughout the room for what seemed like an eternity. I immidiately knew that I HAD to get rid of the body. No one could know. I had to be methodical about it and try to cover my tracks as best as I could. Deep inside, I knew that eventually I would be found out and that I'd pay for what I had done. But that didn't matter to me at the moment. I remember looking down at myself wondering where I went wrong. How I had ended up in this horrible predicament. I began to dismember the body. I distinctly remember cutting into the skin/flesh around the joint where the arm connects to the torso. I let out a cry, a sob really, but tears ran down my face. The feeling was weird to me. Almost like cutting into a steak, but much tougher. Going through tendons and muscle until the arm was removed. After that. I don't remember much, mostly just being driven into insanity at the task that I had overtaken. Cutting away and placing limbs in black trash bags.I had to use 2 bags for the body, but I tied the head in a separate 3rd bag. When I finished the seperation, I collapsed to the floor, first sitting up with my legs bent up and my arms resting on them. I dropped the knife to the floor, i guess signifying that it was done. I sat there covered in blood, wide eyed. I slowly began to collapse to lay down on the floor. What had I done? There's no going back. Life will never be the same. You can't take back what's done. I just imagined being hauled off the prison. It was more than I could bare. I remember gathering myself(mentally and in the bags) and standing up. I carried 2 bags in one hand and the other in my other hand and slowly trudged to the door. I didn't go to the back door, side door, window, basement. I went straight to the front door. I approached it and it remember that there was a LARGE bay window in the room to the left. The front door itself had a window in the top 1/2 of it. And the door window was covered by a partially translucent curtain. I approached the door, closed my eyes and took a few DEEP breaths in.

And I woke up as I put my hand on the door knob to go outside.

I woke up feeling extremely anxious and confused and worried. After a few moments, I realized it was a dream and breathed a HARD sigh of relief. But the reason why it occurred still boggles my mind.
I don't know...

because I feel like it....
So much has changed since I've used this site. And yet life remains the same. In a state of constantly changing, while seeming rather mundane. It's so strange to go through the old posts and read how I used to think, how I used to cope with things and to see what I thought was going to happen in the future.

UPDATE: I have snakes...lots of snakes. I focus on Borneo short-tail pythons and blood pythons. But I also keep a few other species as well. I've found that the music I most enjoy is fast pace/aggressive metal with hardcore influence. But I also like complex music (classical, technical guitar, etc). Photography has been a huge outlet for me. I love taking pictures, especially of reptiles, but I love taking pictures of just about anything. Being able to capture a moment in time, to portray an image/story to the viewer has to be my favorite part. Without using words, a strong picture can share a message, elicit emotion, give an over tone and say so much more than even a first hand account can give. I can't wait to get a better camera. Mine works well, but I feel like I could be taking much better quality pictures. It's all in due time I suppose.
My Pictures can be seen at:

I've had a lot of new friends come into my life and a few bonds have grown stronger. Met a guy named Jon McAlister who has a real knack for animals kinda like me. Although he's better with mammalian things than I am lol. He's a cool guy, we have lots of differences but work well together. The Crew that goes to NERD has gotten really close and close with Kara which is really nice. She is absolutly awesome and I'm glad we get to see her periodically and brighten up her day. She deserves more than she is getting. But I feel like her near future is looking better and better by the day. Me and Ken are working out some plans for the future with the snakes, so that actually has me reaaalllllllyyy excited. Working with Borneo short-tails has always been my goal and if me and him combine our efforts, we could produce some seriously impressive animals. Kimberly and I are still together and going strong 3 years and 3 months later. Still keeping things interesting.

I got my lip pierced about a week ago and I love it. I feel like it suites me rather well and I really want to get the other side done. I've wanted snake bites for as long as I can remember. So as long as they aren't holding me back from any job opportunities right now, why not? I'm actually feeling like I look better. I feel closer to what I feel I should look like. I feel better looking, as weird as that sounds. A few people weren't crazy about the piercing, but a LOT really like it. and I like it, which is what matters most. I started long boarding, which is a good way to exercise and have fun. A lot easier than skateboarding(short boards) and is actually a pretty good form of transportation.

The world is really scaring me now a days. The values that I'm seeing in society disgust me. Drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and general disregard for anything/anyone but oneself are rampant. People refuse to see the connections between these things and why their lives aren't going how they'd liked. When was the last time alcohol did something good for you? My decision to be straight edge has never been affirmed by so many people/experiences as college has. "College life" almost disgusts me. Just cram a bunch of 20 year olds in dorm buildings and then basically disregard general laws. "Oh they are just living the college life" " Oh they are getting the college experience"... Not a viable excuse to me...I really don't want to start on the subject cause I wont stop.
What ever happened to the days where people were nice to eachother? The days when you didn't need a reason to hold a door for someone? The days when, if a friend called for a ride, you were there and didn't ask questions if they didn't feel like talking? Where did all the genuinely good people go? I'm finding they are few and far between. Its really discouraging to me. I try to go out of my way to help other people out. If standing back for an extra minute means I could hold the door for someone, I'd absolutly do it. I don't need a reason, it's just the right thing to do. How do people not see that? You'd want someone to hold the door for you right? You'd want them to hold the door for your mother/grandmother/cousin/whatever. I like doing nice things for people, but sometimes I'd rather go un-noticed. Do a random act of kindness for someone and have it be anonymous.

I've been getting these monsterous headaches the last couple days and its completely out of the ordinary for me. My entire life I got headaches maybe 3 or 4 times. and the last 4 nights I have had these horrendous headaches that have been keeping me from sleeping. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you, I can fall asleep just about anywhere/anytime. But these headaches have been so persistent. I took 2 pain relievers(again highly unlike me) to see if it changes anything tonight. We'll see how that all goes. I hope I get some more time to write in this, I feel like it'll help me keep some weight off my mind.
until then.

growing up.
As I get older and come to more milestones in my life, it seems that getting older isn't exactly a bad thing. Sometimes it involves making stuff up in situations that seem alien. Sometimes it involveslearning to cope. Other times, it's everyone else that is having a hard time dealing with it. Since I've moved to school, gotten my ears pierced and gauged, gotten a tattoo and gotten a job, it seems that I'm not the one who's having a hard time adjusting. MY parents seem to be having a hard time getting used to it. But there comes a time in every parents life where they need to start to let go. I understand that i still need some support, but it's my life and choices. I can handle the repercussions of my actions.
I understand that my dad doesn't support many of my life's choices, but I think I'm doing fairly well. I've made the decission to commit to a life without drugs and alcohol. When most kids my age are out getting smashed and high or doing whatever the hell they want, I'm sticking to the clear road. Why associate with something that could diminish my chances of accomplishing my life goals. I want to do a lot with my life, and I don't want to let anything get in the way of that. not saying that drinking alcohol automatically dashes all of ur hopes and dreams. I've chosen to live a clean life, I've seen what drugs and alcohol can do to a person, and I don't want to let that happen to me or be associated with that sort of thing. I want to graduate from college, go on to grad school, become a teacher, have my own house some day and keep reptiles. I'm not trying to change the world, i'm not so sure that one person can do that. But if i could get through to a new generation of kids and let them know, hey you don't need to drink to be cool, I think I could be a pretty good role model.\

To many people today rely on what others think of them. Just because 1 or 2 or 10 people say ur cool, doesnt make it so. Just because 1 or 2 people say ur not cool doesn't make that right either. I feel like, if your always trying to fit in and please everyone but urself, ur gonna end up unhappy and uncool. You can't please all the people all the time. I'd argue that it's better to just be yourself and disregard what people say. People are imperfect, by nature. So if someone says i'm uncool, they could be right or they could be wrong. why should i care? Life is more about how i feel about myself. Don't let them tell me how to live my life. fads are over rated. Everytime you think you've caught up with one, it becomes obsolete and your not cool anymore. everyones chacing cool, but who ever really catches it? Drink this and you'll be cool(poser), wear these pants and you can hangout with us(haha those are so last week), hangout here on thursday [friday, saturday] nights and you'll be awesome(not really). people never read the fine print. Once you think you're there and you've finally been accepted, the rules are changed and it's a whole new game. I don't see the point of chasing them around and playing their stupid games.

To many people spending their lives trying to please others. All my life, I've been trying to impress my dad. 'hey dad, i got a B+ on my test today'.....'what happened, no A?'......'hey dad, check it out, I cleaned out my room and the dinning room too'....'look at this kitchen it's a pig pen, and this living room, you couldn't een live in here' matter how hard you try, they just wont accept it. every now and again there's a good job or a congratulations, but most of the times it's followed by a try harder. It's a poisonous relationship. If i keep trying and trying, I'll drive myself insane trying to meet his expectations, because they can never be met.

I'll post more later...
keep ur eyes peeled for a short story on the way as well...

p. regalis outline tattoo

Been a while....
Life's been pretty hectic. Packing up from one school, applying to another. Christmas season....yea. In the works of withdrawing from UMASSD and Enrolling in BSC....I'm gonna be commuting from another semester in Randolph X_x...I took down some the posters in my old room(which is now amy's room) one of the saddest things...idk y but it just hit me really hard that I'm not a kid n e more. that I can't hold onto everything forever. I still have a lot to take down yea about bsc..I think that the move will be good for me. Get's me away from all the crazyness, unnecissary drinking and drugs and whatever else. At the same time, I'll miss my roommate and the couple friends I had made there. Ontop of that, Applying for a job...and working on getting my ears pierced...horrible luck with that(long story). I havn't had much time to just sit down in a quiet room and think. Havn't had much time to just sit and reflect. Or rather, I havn't made time for it. I think that it's getting to me... I feel like i get annoyed easier and it doesn't feel right. It feels almost as though winter is 1/2 over, but it's really just begun. Too much snow and sleet and rain and needs to be summer again.
Me and kim just had our first christmas and our 7 month. Everything is amazing between us. We make each other very happy and have "done the impossible" had a viable and successful relationship throughout the first semester of college. It wasn't easy, we've over come a lot. But we can work through just about anything. And we couldn't be any more happy about it. I got 2 B+'s, 1 B, 1 B- and 1 C for first semester....not the best, but I think i did prettyy good.
Only a couple more weeks until my b-day(going to see TBDM, still havn't bought my tickets). 19...not really n e more important birthdays for me after 20. Since I don't drink, 21 isn't reallyy gonna matter. It's wierd to think that I'm almost 20. It feels like yesterday I was a stupid awkward freshman. I really hope that the real world isn't like college. people are stupid and dont know when to say no. I understand that some people can drink and not loose control, but the majority of people that I've seen can't or wont. It just doesnt make any sence to me. not even going to continue on that.
Lizz died while I was at UMD. Had him 8+ years. Best water dragon ever. We picked up chip, the lil Water Dragon a couple weeks ago as well. He's mischievious, but interesting.Ornamental is huge. I'm still looking for a place to get my tattoo. One place said that it'll prolly cost $450. kinda steep, but if i want it done right, it'll prolly cost a lot.
I think I'll write in here again soon...idk..

"I've been here so long, I think that it's time to move.The winters soo cold, summer's over too soon. Let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow. I've got some friends, some that I hardly know. And We've had some times, I wouldn't trade for the world."-Rise Against

"We do feel alone. That place in my mind. Is that space that you call mine?"-Slipknot

Picture someplace, any place. Someplace where you can relax.

It's a cool fall morning. It's not terribly cold outside, but you can see your breathe in the air as you exhale. The fog that overpowers the surrounding landscape surrounds you and envelopes you into it. The sounds of early morning birds and the rustling of a few squirrels are the only noticable sounds. The birds seem to have been awake for hours, quickly darting through the air and up onto their perches. The squirrels are digging through the crunchy autumn leaves in desperate search of elusive acorns. It doesn't seem that the sun has risen yet, but you can see your surroundings clearly. The fog seems to float above the ground as if there is an invisible forcefield holding it there. It moves and flows throughout the area in and around you. You watch it float around and over your open palm, but never touching. As you procede, you notice that the ground is no longer littered with the crunchy leaves that make the familiar loud crunches under your sneakers. Instead, your steps seem almost silent atop the thousands of pine needles. The golden slivers carpet the ground and overcome the leaves. Your hands are starting to get cold, so you place them in your pockets. Your pockets provide a warm shelter and you continue along your path hands in pockets. No one else seems to be awake, and you feel like your the only person on the entire planet. No hustle and bustle of people hurrying from here to there. No rush to go where your heading. The stress of the day slip off of you like a raindrop off of a rooftop. Allowing all of your muscles to relax and letting the tension radiate out allowing yourself to succomb to the feelings your having. Going through your mind and addressing the things that are bothering you and thinking of possible solutions. Thinking of the cause of the feelings and what you can do to resolve them. Just allow these quiet minutes to reflect on yourself and how you can become a better person. Hold a door for someone, share a pencil, compliment someone. Small things can make a big diffrence. As you continue on, the fog seems to disipate and as it does, the familiar sights of cars and people come into view. They'll never know what you just saw, but you know that today is your day to do good in the world.

"The way you lived your life, it mesmerizes me."-CKY

"You painted a picture, happier than I can afford."-Sugarcult

"This is halloween, this is halloween. Halloween, halloween."-The Nightmare Before Christmas

"A simple sound, a heavy sigh will win the whole world over."-CKY

"Am I still you charm or am I just bad luck?...Lets unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words...If love is a labor, I'll slave 'till the end."-Rise Against

"Don't know, what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone. Sometimes, I need someone to say 'You'll be alright, what's on your mind?'...Sometimes, I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free."-Yellowcard

"This heart, it beats, beats for ONLY YOU!"-Paramore

I Love You Babe ♥
You mean so much to me. I love being with you and getting to hold u in my arms. Getting the sweet gift of a kiss and a warm embrace, you make my heart flutter and make me all giggly like a lil boy with a crush. I love you baby, thank you. 5/24/07 ♥



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